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Sat 9 April 3pm

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1 Chelski 31 80 50
3 Arsenal 31 67 39
3 Manure 31 67 31
4 Everton 31 51 2
5 Liverpool 31 50 13
6 Bolton 31 46 3
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 Henry 40
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Bring your boots...

but leave your beach towels at home if you're going to the game against the south coast giants of Southampton cos you'll probably get a game. With an injury list longer than Jermaine Pennants rap sheet and through suspensions, The Arsenal squad will be very 'short' in the words of Saint Wenger.

The list of players not playing reads like a 'who's who' - in no particular order apart from Reyes & Bergkamp (both suspensions) here we go:Sol 'The Rock' Campbell, Edu, Fabregas and Gilberto. By the looks of things Ashley "The best left back in the world™" Cole should be playing, but with Gael 'The Understudy' Clichy around that's not the least of The Arsenal's problems.

Exclusively revealed on the forward line will be King Henry and Lord Robin of van Persie, well there's no other players to choose from is there? Other attack minded players on the bench will be Dr Quincey of Owuso-Abeyie.. and er.. tha's it. Jeremie Ali-Ali-dere who scored in a midweek reserve game mauling at Fulham is considered 'too short' for this game by Saint Wenger who feels with Ali-Ali-dere being out for six months premiership action is abit too soon.

So bring your boots but it looks like another game to be played at sub-zero temperatures so unless you're an eskimo or Stuart Pearce wrap up warm.


Reyes 'slapped' with a ban

If you have been paying attention you would of read above that José 'Fonzarelee' Reyes has been 'slapped' (and a proper slap at that) with a three game ban by The Manure sponsored F.A. His'trail by TV' offence was for just about giving a Sheffield Utd player enough contact to call it a tickle in the drawn FA Cup game. The FA jury who all wore red devils on their chests all voted unanimosly that Reyes face up to his crime of throwing a girlie slap.


Round-up in 60 seconds or less

Sol 'The Rock' Campbell looks very likely to miss the return leg of Bayern Munich in the UEFA Champions League game - as a huge collective groan & sigh around North London can be heard around the globe... Lyon midfielder Michael Essien is 'exclusively, allegedly, reportedly..etc..etc..etc..' the latest player being looked at by The Arsenal according to the players agent... that's it more news at 11.



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