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Cole-gate verdict in two weeks!

The infamous 'tapping-up' affair involving The Bank of Chelsea and Ashley "The best left back in the world™" Cole will be resolved a week on Wednesday,s 1 June. However, most of the media have got themselves in a spin regarding the future of young Ashley and possibly what the outcome may be. aren't going to speculate on the outcome and what 'possibly' could happen as we will know when young Ashley finally makes a comment. So do yourselves a favour and save yourself going mad by not even looking at the tabloids, because until young Ashley reveals anything all the media can do is second guess.

All we do know is that a statement released by Saint Wenger is that he isn't best  pleased with Ashley's double agent Jonathon Barnett and believes that the agent will try and unsettle the young man and hanker for a move away. More news on this to follow.


Mr  Hill-Wood - in 'DB10 will be signed up' story

The Arsenal chairman Sir Peter Hill-Wood has stated in this gleaned report that Saint Wenger will offer DB10 the new contract he and all Gooners want.

The Pres said "Arsene would like to keep Dennis and I am sure we can come to an arrangement with him. Dennis is very satisfied financially, so that's not a problem.
"You have to be fairly ruthless with who you think are getting beyond their useful life. You can't be sentimental and say that because a player's given such great service, we ought to give him another contract.

"You give a player another contract because he's worth giving a contract to and Arsene obviously still feels that way about Dennis."

Lets hope DB10 plays in the final the same way he did in the 7-0 rooting of Everton, if he does we're sure the Dutch master can add a couple of zero's to his final Arsenal contract.


FA Cup Final Week News

Alex 'Ol' 80% Proof Nose' Ferguson - more drunken talk

Manchester Red Sox Buccaneers (previously known as Manchester United) Head Coach and dictator Alex 'Ol' 80% Proof Nose' Ferguson says he's using 'Scottish caution' in his approach of the news that King Henry wont feature in the FA Cup Final on Saturday. We're not sure what this 'Scottish caution' is however claims that it's a new improved super strength Scottish whiskey are unfounded.

The mad jock who is renowned for his players mysteriously being injured for international duty only to return to the starting line up a matter of days later, thinks he's being hoodwinked by Saint Wenger. The Saint even retaliated in telling the purple, sour faced despot that "We are not liars, he [Ferguson] can prepare his team to face us with Henry but I can assure everyone he is not going to play."

The blotchy red nosed one has even been on at the ref ahead of the game (does he ever stop?). The purple faced one has reportedly said (we have used a translator as we couldn't understand a damn word the mad tyrant was saying), that the FA Cup final referee Rob Styles to must take the 'nerve factor' into account during the opening stages of Manchester United's clash with Arsenal. Which in effect means the Manchester Red Sox Buccaneers will be nervous and so in their nervousness will be kicking seven shades of shitá out of The Arsenal, well one can only presume.


Exclusive shot of the Manure health spa

allgoonerdup - wayne rooney picOur roving reporter has been to the Manchester Red Sox Buccaneers training complex and has reported back with this exclusive shot of a Wayne Rooney. Our investigative reporter also claims that Argentinean Gabriel Heinze looks unlikely to figure in the final, however shop steward and all round hate figure Gary Neville could be fit in time.


Wear red, if you didn't know

We are sure you know this already as we have been too lazy to include this bit of news, that The Arsenal will be wearing their red 'home' strip in the FA Cup final, which is nice, not sure if anyone could cope with that blue number. Manchester Red Sox Buccaneers will wear their change strip of the 'stars and stripes' and walk onto the pitch to the tune of 'The star spangled banner'. You can view the northern monkeys new strip here.

You've heard all about the Mancs going mental because one of the creatures out of Lord of the Rings is buying them up, so have a laugh and play the game the Malcolm Glazer game here.

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round-up in 60 seconds or less..

Ex-Arsenal defender Stathis Tavlaridis has been called up to the Greek world cup squad... José Reyes has again said he wants to stay at The Arsenal next season... ...that's it, Keep it locked, more news at 11.