Saint Wenger makes two signings!

'Exclusive' ok bit of 'false advertising' like you would see in the likes of The Currant Bun, The Star and The Mirror. Saint Wenger has made two signings, but it's contract extensions rather than new signings. José Antonio Reyes and Gael Clichy have penned long-term contracts with The Arsenal, as we sit and wait new signings, with fingers crossed, praying!

Nope make that three - as Cole's signs up as well

Ashley Cole has penned his new deal, a year long extension, which reportedly puts young Ashley on 70 large a week, not bad work if you can get it. "I am now looking forward to another successful season, we are all determined to regain the Premiership title and I can't wait for the season to start now." Cole said exclusively in this gleaned report from Sly Sports. Expect Cole to be on the charm offensive with the new season well within sight.

Over the weekend rogue agent Jonathon Barnett had this to say in this gleaned report "I am pleased to say amicable discussions have taken place in the aftermath of a of a very difficult situation, Both sides are now close to an agreement that would see Ashley remain at Highbury. Perhaps now people will believe there were no secret deals to join another club. We just happened to be in the same hotel room as the Bank of Chelsea manager, their Chief Exec, that super-agent Zavi and a big brown envelope filled with fifties, noting sinister in that"*

*Some of this statement might be false

Even though the ink on the deal has only just dried, some quarters of the press are reporting that Cole could possibly leave next summer as he still feels hard done by The Arsenal after the tapping up shenanigans. Oh give us a break, will you, that's the press just stirring things up as they want this story to run and run.

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Aye Aye Captain Ti-Ti it is

The Arsenal have named all-round Mr Nice Guy and soon to be Arsenal all time goal scorer Thierry Henry as the new club captain. Also we have news that 'apparently' hotel room visiting and celebrity chav Ashley Cole is to be named vice-captain, remember where you read it first.

Friendly news

New Arsenal captain all round Mr Nice Guy Thierry Henry, led the troops out in the annual friendly against the other giants of North London, Barnet. The boys came away with a 4-1 win, which saw goals from Alexand er Hleb, Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp and Justin Hoyte in the first half. After the break The Arsenal took there foot off the gas and made six chances with the 'big boys' putting their feet up and enjoying some of that Saturday sunshine. New signing 17 year old Italia goalkeeper Vito Mannone  got a run out in the second half and former Monaco and Barcelona full back Philippe Christanval who's on a weeks trial got the full 90 minutes into the bargain as well.

Ol' 65% Proof Nose finally sobers up

Alex 'Ol' 65 Proof Nose' Ferguson the Chief Coach for the Manchester Red Sox soccer team has finally sobered up from his FA Cup failure induced booze-a-thon. The purpled, sour faced despot has backed The Bank of Chelsea's paranoid manager José Money in his mad ranting's that The Manure sponsored FA favour The Arsenal. After careful analysis our reporter for all things northern translated this from then mad jock "He's dead right, by the way. He's spot on, you look at the fixtures Arsenal have after European games hic... it has been going on for years.. hic" The despot continued.

"He's only taken a year to find that out. I have been complaining about that for seven years and no-one listens to me. Maybe they will listen to José Money more." Ferguson said before falling to the ground in a heap clutching his bottle of Buckfast and murmuring to himself.

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round-up in 60 seconds or less..

Saint Wenger remains coy on the possibility of signing Jermaine Jenas from Newcastle United, after the game against Barnet he told Sly Sports "We haven't made an approach, for the moment, for Jenas,"... A second bid for Brazilian The Beast has been turned down by Seville... SWWWP is on his way to The Bank of Chelsea after the South West London chavs Russian Tsar got his cheque book out and wrote a phat cheque out for £21m in their attempt to buy the title a second time around... Saint Wenger is at it again as he looks to win the title in 2010 with The Arsenal are set to sign Alexand re Song who just happens to be the nephew of 'it's all gone a bit" Rigobert Song the former Liverpool player... Pascal Cygan the one man walking liability has said Thierry Henry could possibly leave The Arsenal after the departure of Captain Paddy. He has a moan and generally his comments are unhelpful and says PV4 will be missed on the pitch and the training ground. Many Gooners would love to see the big slap headed defender leave but he certainly wouldn't be missed... Manuel Almunia has broken his finger in training, which begs the question, is that really going to make a difference in his play?... and that's it, Keep it locked, more news at 11.